Diary of a Mad Witch
by Elise Felton
Summary: PLEASE READ AND REVIEW! Diary of Severus Snape's twin, Emslie Snape. Read what it's like for a sexually frustrated witch in the 1970s. Full of sex gods, bimbos, and sarcastic humor.
1. Chapter 1

8/27/76 (First day of school for sixth year)

Dear Diary,

What the hell. Boarded Hogwart's Express today and was immediately abandoned by Severus. You'd think sharing a womb would make us a little closer… I guess house differences really do run deep (FLY HIGH, GRYFFINDOR!). Proceeded to sit in compartment by myself and find comfort in 6-pack of chocolate frogs. Got a little carried away and was caught in act of gluttony by none other than Gryffindor sex gods, a.k.a. Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and James Potter. Vair embarrassing, to say the least. Damn my menstrual cravings! Sirius looked at me as though I had grown a thestral tail. Couldn't even defend myself as their sexiness clouded my brain… stupid quidditch muscles, luscious locks, and piercing gazes. They left me to my frogs soon after. Probably went to find Lily Evans. Pretty bitch. Since when are gingers attractive? Anyway… sorting was boring as usual. First years looked ready to avada themselves. Flinched everytime sorting hat touched someone's head… thing looks like it's been used as relief for _Playwitch_ one too many times. Plus, it can read your mind… How pervy is that? Ate way too much at dinner. Got some snide looks from Marlene. Think I'll brew her some Pettigrew love potion if she keeps nasty attitude. I feel for the guy, really. Poor plumpy. Proceeded to roam corridors till lights out. No friends in my sixth year yet. Should look into relationship with Filch? Mrs. Norris always seems busy. Anyway, should get some sleep. Dorcas keeps hinting at her need for beauty sleep so she can bag Black (lolz… like that would ever happen). Goodnight!


	2. Chapter 2

8/31/76

Dear Diary,

Since when am I good at a subject? Was in Divination today and properly predicted Peter Pettigrew's future! Or at least that's what cool hipster Professor Munts told me... Explained to Peter that life would be unpleasant and "lumpy" as that's what bottom of tea cup looked like. Earned ten points for Gryffindor and an approving nod from the Marauders (SCORE!). Also sat at lunch with Lily Evans... felt very popular as she was bombarded time and time again by Potter. She gave him the cold shoulder but would always smile in private when he wasn't looking... Curious? I think so. Should plan to attempt to make myself her confidant as she seems vair nice. Hopefully she can look past Severus being my twin. Certainly don't agree with him on pure blood thing. Stupid git. Anyways, talked to hottie Zachary Wood today whilst faking studying in Common Room. I asked him to borrow a quill and was victorious in starting flirt sesh. Success! Finally some pro active contact with the opposite sex. Anyway, must sleep as I need to wake up earlier tomorrow to get primped for day. Shall not want to disappoint future boyfriend. Toodles!

9/01/76

Dear Diary,

Why does everything I do always go horribly wrong? Woke up feeling confident from yesterday and decided to try some beauty charms to enhance womanly whiles. Make up went well as I played up blue eyes and pouty lips and teeth whitening seemed to be a success, so then I tried dying my hair a lighter color... BIG mistake. Hair turned hot pink. Least to say, some vair horrible words came spilling out of my mouth, awakening my roomies and leading to all Gryffindor girls attempting to fix said situation on top of my head. No success came from attempts so had to go through most of day with bright pink hair as Minnie was unavailable for such a "petty problem" until after lunch. Was harassed by Slytherins before lunch and saved from total humiliation by, quite surprisingly, Sirius Black... Probably felt sorry for this old charity case. He walked me to dine thereafter, eliciting quite a few jealous glares from faithful bimbtastic followers. Encounter ended there as he went to sit with Marauders. Sat with Lily again today! Such a saintly ginger. She even went with me to Minnie's room to have hair changed to proper state. We then hung out throughout afternoon classes and had cute times gossiping about James Potter (can totally see right through her...). She apparently used to think I was blissful in my isolation. I explained to her that this was facade. Hopefully friendship will grow stronger in coming year. Anywho... sat near Zachary at dinner and was told that I looked "fetching"! I see a boyfriend at the end of the tunnel... Well, I've got to go since suddenly I am a very important person. Sixth year rocks!


	3. Chapter 3

9/04/76

Dear Diary,

Sirius Black is entirely too sexy for his own good. It's become a distraction. I just can't stop looking/thinking about him and those sexy grey eyes and that devilish smile and the way he laughs when one of his friends- Ugh! NO NO NO! Must not fantasize any more. Have been mulling over him way too much since being saved from Slytherins. Have even been having sexual fantasies that take place in broom closets all over school... Since when am I a pervy teenage boy? I must cleanse my mind of Black and focus on Zachary. Fantasies only prove that he is better match as intellectual conversation would ensue instead of pure snogging, which would most certainly be the case with Padfoot. Not that Zachary is hideous. Quite the contrary, actually. Very handsome and noble looking. Speaking of which, talked to said boy today during Potions. Talked a LOT about our future together. J.K.. But we did talk about his hopefully quidditch career and my future as a healer. Severus actually spurred convo on with Wood, as Zachary commented on twin's definite future as Potions Professor (thanks, Snivellus!). Laughed and agreed. Probably only pro coming out of twinmanship. Anyway, went and sat by Black Lake with Lily. Discussed all things girl related and then agreed to hang out at Hogsmeade next weekend. Yay for friendship! Can't believe we never did this before. Stupid Severus always hogged her when we were tikes. Prat. Anyways, am perhaps getting dumber in school. Accidentally transfigured Peter into woman... was supposed to be turning cups into birds. Wormtail looked surprisingly good in drag. He should maybe look into that... Minnie was not impressed and Marauders were a bit tiffed. Except for Remus. Such a cute, nice boy. Always haggard looking, though. Should try to be friends with him. Well, I've got to snooze. Nighty night!

9/07/76

Dear Diary,

WHAT THE HECK? REMUS IS A WEREWOLF? Am in utter shock. Overheard Lily and Remus whispering about it today. Didn't hear me walking behind them on Hogwart's bridge. Makes sense, though. He always looks so tired and worn out... used to think it was because of excessive sex (he's so cute!). Anyway, was caught listening and begged to keep it secret. Poor Remus. Of course I'll never tell! Assured him and Lily of loyalty and complete indifference to his furry little problem. Feel a lot closer to Remus and Marauders as I share secret with them. Black doesn't seem happy about it. Gave me glare and threatened me later today about telling. Git. Like I'd ever tell. Sexiness def went down 10 points. Anyway, am failing classes miserably. Should spend less time plotting for friendship and more time with Pincey. Not in a lesbo way... door doesn't swing that direction. Need to succeed to be healer! At this point, it's a total laugh. Well, I guess I'll hit the library now. Late studying is always the best. Goodbye until later!


End file.
